how "mommy-hood" has changed my identity.

when i was twenty-eight weeks pregnant with parker i wrote this post about "keeping my identity" & wondering how becoming a mom might change me.  i was all up in my life as a career woman at the time & wondered if i'd get "dumbed down" by a life of diapers & spit up.  i came across that post last week & now, at twenty-eight weeks pregnant with parker's little brother, i want to write a follow-up to all the questions i asked back then... because now i know.

here's the short answer.  i know more about myself now & who i am than i ever did back then.

these last two years of being a {mostly} stay at home mom really have changed me & honestly?  the only thing i miss about that full-time career woman is the bigger paycheck.  but getting to stay home with parker & watch him grow has made up for that in amounts way more priceless than dollars.

ok, that's the cheesy short answer.  here's some other ways i've changed.

i discovered my love for photography & started a business.  i've always been an obsessive picture-taker & always insisted on taking a million pictures of every occasion.  but when parker was just a couple months old i realized i wanted to take this passion to the next level & we purchased my first dslr.  it started with millions of pictures of parker but now i'm on my second camera & have since shot countless families, seniors, kids & a handful of weddings.  if it wasn't for staying home & photography blogs & a cute little model to learn on, i'm not so sure any of this would have ever happened.  i definitely see a long life as a photographer ahead of me & hope this is just the beginning... i think it's something i am good at & something i strive to be better at.

also?  this might not be true for most moms but i feel like i've discovered a lot about my own personal style & fashion sense since becoming a mom.  when i dress up, i dress with more purpose & my home is decorated much more to my liking than it ever has been {although it's always a work in progress!}. pinterest & fashion blogs & lots of trips to target & the mall probably have something to do with this.

when i was pregnant with parker i think i thought all moms were destined to lives of yoga pants & slippers & although this really is what i wear 75% of the time {it's actually quite glorious}, i still find times to dress up & look nice.  i still clean up well.  i still get to curl my hair & wear heels {if i want} to church on sundays or for my one day in the office on thursdays.  this is plenty for me.  it turns out moms wear yoga pants & flip flops or slippers all the time because it is COMFY.  who knew?

when i was pregnant with parker i worried about losing touch with current events.  becoming a mom-in-a-bubble.  this is something i work on.  i watch the news, i read cnn.com & follow all kinds of newsfeeds on facebook.  i think i have a pretty good idea what is going on in the world around me & i enjoy talking about current events with sam every night.  it would be easy to tune all that out & worry only about the number of dirty diapers parker had that day but this is something that's important to me & i hope it always is.

and lastly?  what i didn't know about myself back then is how much i could love another little human being.  i didn't expect that i would honestly feel like i love my kid more than any one in the whole world could possibly love theirs.  i didn't know that watching sam be a dad would make me fall in love with him over & over again everyday & that being a family kicks the crap out of being a married couple.

basically, all my fears i had back in the day were unnecessary.  mommy-hood is what you make of it.  i think it's important to make time for yourself & put yourself first when it's appropriate because no one should ever feel like they've lost their identity.  of course i have my daily struggle with fitting in all the things i have to do versus what i would like to do but that happens with kids or no kids, right?  you just have to figure out your priorities.

turns out being a mom is a pretty good thing to be.  i highly recommend it.

let's just enjoy this moment, shall we?

oh you guys... i'm treading water.  i'm balancing a million things, none of which are bad.  mom duties, photographer duties, church duties, wife duties, part-time worker duties, self-duties, housekeeper duties... you get the idea.  probably because most of you are doing the same thing.  we take on a lot because we know we can & then we feel like {as a good friend of mine put it} you're just one step away from not getting up out of bed in the morning.  it's not depression, it's exhaustion.  and it's a situation i've chosen to be in because there is so. much. i. want. to. do.  sure, a couple extra hours in the day might help... but would it?  because i'm pretty sure i'd find a way to fill that too.

i guess what i'm saying is that i am feeling the need to slow down.  i'm getting tired, i'm feeling pregnant & i'm starting to freak out a little at what's ahead.  two kids.  but then i look at everything i'm juggling & there isn't a single thing i'd choose to take off the table.  so then whattyado?

i've definitely cut back on the blogging... maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't.  i feel like lately it's pregnancy update, week in iPhotos, token post of another subject, rinse, repeat.  and it'll probably continue to be like that as i'm insistent on continuing to document this pregnancy & our lives in the meantime.

but right now?  right at this moment?  i just want to slow down & take a breath.  i want to enjoy some of the good things in my life, some of the quiet moments & some of the things that make life worth living.  this is what it's all about.  this is how my little family spent my third mother's day as a mom.  it was just me & my two guys + the one in my belly, at the park.  it was a gorgeous day, parker was happy & the lighting was perfect for picture taking.  so i took lots.

i love my crazy, exhausting, sometimes-overwhelming life.  i am blessed with so much & am so grateful for all the opportunities that come my way, even if sometimes i think it's gonna kill me.  i'm so grateful for sam & parker & for this little boy we get to meet in less than three months.

and sometimes i just need to step back from it all, look at the big picture, take a deep breath... and remember that.

{ps:  wanna see what our mother's day looked like last year?  click here.  spoiler alert:  i had a much flatter stomach & better hair.  just sayin.}

hey parker... it's your birthday!

but we're postponing further celebrations.  i know, i know... not fun!  

today you're sick, little monster.  i can hear you coughing back in your bed as i type this & it makes my heart hurt to know there's not much more i can do than turn up your humidifier, rub vicks on your feet & hope for the best.

but don't worry... we've already done lots of fun things to celebrate!  we took you to a padres game while we were in san diego & you had so. much. fun.  you clapped & cheered & waved & walked around the whole entire stadium all by yourself.  you were in awe of the lights & the stadium organ & you kept yelling out "baseball!" when you looked at the field.  

an usher thought you were cute & gave you a little plush baseball with the san diego padres "SD" logo on it.  you spent the rest of vacation holding on to that baseball & taking it everywhere you went.  heaven forbid you lose sight of it for five minutes!  

your mom & dad love watching you have fun, parker.  we stayed for fireworks at the end of the game & a week later, you are still talking about them.  "see fireworks!  boom boom boom! baseball!"  

you are such a fun little boy.

and today you are two.  

two years have gone by since we met you face to face.  two years of holding you in my arms & calling you my baby.  you've made me happy beyond anything i ever thought possible & continue to do so everyday.  you're my little boy & even though you get bigger everyday & will someday not fit in my arms or on my lap, you'll always be my little boy.  

and now you get to be a big brother.  i can't wait to see you with your little brother... you're going to have so much fun with him.  you love babies & think it's so funny when they do anything.  i'm so excited for you to meet him!

we love you so much parker & can't imagine our lives without you.  actually, we can't even remember what life was like without you... it must have been so boring!  our lives as a family of three began on this day two years ago & nothing has been the same since.  thank you so much for being such a good little boy & giving us the best two years of our lives.  

happy birthday, little monster.

on having another boy.

i'm not gonna lie.  there is no way i could be more excited about having another boy.

before we knew what we were having i got a lot of "are you hoping for a girl?" comments, which i totally understand.  it seems like you should naturally want one of each, right?  it's the all-american family.  i usually gave the honest answer of "i'm gonna be happy either way."  boy or girl, it was gonna be our baby & the newest member of our family & that baby was gonna be what we were supposed to have.  and like most parents, we spent our time praying that we would see a baby with a healthy heartbeat & well developed organs & bones at the ultrasound... gender was an afterthought.

but if i had been answering completely honest?  i kinda secretly hoped for another boy.  i even felt guilty for feeling that way.  i told sam multiple times how bad i felt for wanting another boy.  how worried i was of feeling disappointed at the ultrasound if we didn't see little boy parts.  so the whole way to the ultrasound i gave myself a pep talk about how having a girl would be awesome.  but as soon as that ultrasound started?  i started looking for boy parts & even though i wasn't sure i saw them, i knew it was a boy.

because the weird truth is?  i had already bonded to that baby in my belly as a boy.  back at about ten weeks i had an overwhelming feeling that baby #2 was a boy & i even had a feeling about his name.  over the next few weeks i discounted it as just weird emotions so i gave it little weight in the gender outcome & my predictions.  but that moment has stuck with me & so has the name.

i have no doubt that if this baby had been a girl she would have fit right in & turned our world upside down with her awesomeness.  but i am just so extremely happy that parker is going to have a little brother.

and there is something to be said about brothers.  i can't wait to raise two boys side by side & watch them go through life together.  i can't wait to be the mom of two boys.  i've always felt like there is this special bond between a mom & her son & i never knew just how amazing it was until these last two years.  and now that is going to be magnified x2?  i can't even.

now i will say this.

i'm not completely sure we're done having babies... we'll just have to make that call a year or two down the road.  and for baby number three?  i would TRULY, honestly, 100%, completely love a boy OR a girl.  in fact maybe i'd hope for a girl for number three.  i do hope to someday experience buying little cardigans & dresses & sweaters & own something in my house that is the color pink.  two protective big brothers & a cute little sister sounds absolutely perfect.

but for now i can't wait for little brother to get here.  i can't wait to see what he looks like & how he's going to be his own person.  i can't wait to see parker's reaction to him & how they interact as two little boys.  i can't wait for them to get into mischief together & for them to form their own personalities.  i can't wait for the epic wrestle matches that will occur in our living room with their dad & to watch him with his two little boys.

at this moment?  i just couldn't be happier.

fish hatcheries & growing pains.

oh toddlerhood.

we took parker to a fish hatchery this weekend while down in vancouver visiting sam's sister.  it was so fun watching parker experience everything from the fish to the ducks to the flowers to the rocks to the dirt.  he was completely enthralled by it all.  and he really loves his auntie.

parker is in this stage of extremes.  he can be so completely sweet & hilarious one minute & so mind-puzzling & frustrating the next.  one minute i am in awe of this little person i took part in creating & then the next i am pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do with him.

no one ever told me that as a mom you live in constant worry that what you're doing is wrong.  that you're using the wrong parenting techniques, you're feeding him the wrong diet, you're putting him down for naps/bed the wrong way or you're letting him play with the wrong toys.

as i'm starting to see him make real choices on his own & deciding how to react in certain situations, i'm always second guessing myself.  what did i do that made him not want to share with that other kid?  what can i do that will make him want to hold my hand when crossing a street?  how the heck am i supposed to react when he throws his food off his tray after eating?  ignore it?  reprimand him?  timeout?

i thought for sure as a parent i was gonna do everything right.  that other kids misbehaved because their parents did something wrong & i wouldn't have that problem.  as long as i teach my kid with love, he'll always do the right thing.

how is it just starting to settle in that my kid has his own personality & i can't mold him into exactly what i want him to be?  while parker's personality is very sweet, loving, easy-going, affectionate & fun, he also knows how to push buttons, attempt to get his own way & throw extreme fits.

he is such a fun little guy & i realize now that i'm not here to make him into what i want him to be.  i'm here to teach him what is right & wrong & hope he makes good decisions on his own.  and i'm just starting to see him make those decisions & it's kinda scary.  even if today it is little things like how he reacts to a kid taking a toy from him or how he responds to me asking him to hold my hand when crossing the street.

he already has a mind of his own, & that?  is kinda terrifying.

no seriously, it just gets better & better.

i kinda feel like people with kids like to scare new parents.  like, they're super quick to point out all the negatives instead of telling you the awesome parts.

at six months it was, "oh, he's starting to crawl?  you're in for it now!"  and looking back it turns out crawling was awesome.  it was so much fun to watch parker gain the beginnings of his independence & explore his surroundings.  it was the start of "crawling adventures" together & watching him transform from a baby blob to a little person with curiosity & personality.

when it took him a while to walk on his own & we would voice frustration people would say, "be careful what you wish for... once they start going they'll never stop!"  dude, walking is the coolest.  no more muddy knees at the playground & what?  i need to get something out of my purse & i have to put you down?  no big deal, just hang out there standing on your own.

now that we're staring toddlerhood in the face we get it all.  "oooh, the terrible twos!"  but you know what?  i think toddlerhood is rad.  i am loving toddlerhood.  yes there are tantrums, yes he voices frustration now & then & occasionally he {gasp!} does things i tell him not to.  but the flip side?  so much fun.  there is nothing quite like watching your kid pick up on something new.  parker is really into naming all his body parts & will give you the run down from nose to ears to eyes to arm to teeth at any given second.  he gets so proud of himself & that's pretty much the best thing ever.

this morning parker stood up on a chair in the kitchen & helped us cook for the first time.  turns out, that's the kinda stuff you have kids for.  kids are awesome, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  there are challenges & some days might even suck but there is nothing like having the love of a child & watching them grow... even when they're screaming at you & hitting you for changing their diaper {yes, this happens around here} i wouldn't change a thing about my job as a mom for the world.

and it just keeps getting better & better.

it went down just like this.

he was in his jammies, sitting on sam's lap waiting for bedtime stories by the light of his colorful christmas lights hung around the window.  i was slowly making my exit out of the room {we take turns putting him down each night} & saying my goodbyes.

"nigh-night parker... sleep good!  i love you.  muah!"  : : blowing kisses : :

"bye-bye mommy.  i love you."

and then i had to be mopped up off the floor because i had melted into one big giant mess of mom goo.

sure he's said those little words before when he was repeating after me, but tonight it was different.  tonight they were accompanied by a wave goodbye & a little peck of his own hand blowing me a kiss.  if i could just bottle the sweetness i'd have enough to last a lifetime.

and you know what?  i needed that today.  because it was one of those days.  he woke up a couple hours earlier than normal & just couldn't deal with things.  anything.  it was one of those toddler-on-the-floor-kicking-&-screaming kind of days.  this?  this was my payday.

it's funny how after a long day of tantrums & food-throwing, all this little man had to do is get out his cutest littlest voice, say "i love you" & then curl up in his bed holding on tight to his little bear & drift off to sleep in order for me to be excited about doing it all again tomorrow.

he totally redeemed himself.

is this the part where i get emotional?

when parker turned one?  i took it like a champ.

i was so excited for what my baby was becoming that i never had any of those "holy crap where did that first year go?  where is my baby?" emotional meltdowns.  i embraced my emerging toddler & waved bu-BYE to those itty bitty baby days.

but today?  the day where parker turned eighteen months & one day?  it hit me.  he is growing up & there is nothing i can do to make it slow down.  he's now closer to a two year old than a one year old & pretty soon i won't be tracking his age in months.  the years will fly by.  he'll stop blowing me kisses & squeezing my legs for hugs & soon enough, he'll be walking out my door to college.  he won't fit in my lap for stories or stand at my feet with his arms in the air saying "up! up!"  i'll probably feel weird tickling under his chin to make him giggle & he'll lose interest in matchbox cars.

these days are numbered.

why is this hitting me now?  because i think i'm realizing just how fast time can fly when you're having fun.  these last six months since parker's birthday have seriously been a blink in time.

right now?  parker isn't malicious.  he doesn't know how to intentionally hurt anyone & he doesn't know anyone is capable of intentionally hurting him.  he doesn't know what this world has in store for him & all he knows is his mommy & his daddy & how he loves his blanket.  how he loves stories & puppies & throwing sawdust in the air.  he starts his mornings with a small dose of elmo & loves to point at my nose & my ears & my eyes while i sing to him before bed.  right now?  he is perfect.

we don't fight, he's never called me a mean name & he's never talked poorly of anyone.  those things will change.  i won't be able to lift him up anymore & he'll go places without me knowing where he is.  and the kicker?  is that parker will spend the vast majority of his life not even living under our roof.

someday i'll have to let him go.

this guy.

{linking up with the paper mama's photo challenge:  "face."  because?  this face kills me.}

oh man.

i started this post off in my head with the intention to rant a little.  but as i sit down here at the computer in my quiet house in my quiet little office while everybody else sleeps, i just can't do it.  i can't complain about this guy & his chubby little face.  so i won't.

but what i will say?  is oh my gosh you guys, he's changing.  not like cracking voice, oily-skin-acne-face changes... oh no, thank heavens not yet.  not for like twenty more years i don't think.  he is however changing into a little boy.  he is getting so much more strong willed & independent & with this new found independence comes a new found determination to do things his way.  or maybe it's just a newfound determination to do things.

and just because sometimes it's not exactly what i would love for him to be doing doesn't make it any less amazing.  yes, it's taking so much more energy out of me to chase after him & try to keep him entertained with what he should be doing & yes we do have the occasional showdown over wether or not he is going to pick up some of the food he threw on the floor at lunch, but know what else he does?  a lot.  like, he actually tells me he wants to eat.  he doesn't just sign "eat," he walks into the kitchen, pulls his bib off the hook where it hangs, walks over to his high chair, holds his bib up to his chin & says "eeeeaaat!"

so what if half that food ends up on the floor, splattered across the cupboards, or smeared across the curtains right?

and who cares if the kitchen floor is hardly ever walkable because it's constantly covered in canned foods & cake mixes from the lower cupboards?  parker can't help it if those things make perfect stacking blocks & are super fun to line up around the edges of the kitchen rug while i cook, ya know?

i guess he's just doing what any curious eighteen month old should be doing & i guess i'm just reacting like most every other mom... going crazy learning to be patient.  because really, at the end of the day it's all pretty amazing.  sure, sometimes i get my hair pulled, my face scratched, or my shoulders bit from an angry kid who would rather stay on the floor playing with cars than get picked up to have his messy diaper changed, but i also get random hugs, kisses & snuggles too.  so i guess it evens out?  yeah, it does.

actually no, it's not even.  it's way better than even.  i had no idea being a parent would be this awesome.  i had no idea that watching parker learn things & laugh & have fun & grow & explore would bring me such a crazy amount of happiness.  like actual, physical, i-can-feel-it-in-my-gut happiness.  because that happens daily.

so the moral of the story?  after all the food throwing, hair pulling, face scratching, & mess making is said & done, i would still have it no other way.  my kid is growing & developing & loves me despite the screams for "daddyyy!!!" through diaper changes.

for that?  i'm grateful.

always grateful for votes. but you knew that.

on family size.

i think about this constantly.  and it's not like we have to decide how many babies we're having for at least three or four more years.  but i find myself thinking about how many kids are gonna make up our whole family like all. the. time.

i grew up in a family of four girls & sam has three brothers & a sister.  we love our big families.  and there is nothing like getting the whole family together.  so growing up i always thought i'd have four kids.  no brainer.

and then we had one.

whoa.  how the heck do people do more?  parker is a dang near perfect baby & i have my hands {happily!} full.  i feel like i can never get "caught up" & there is always something left undone.  always an email to be answered, always a room to be cleaned, always a load of laundry to be put in.  it's not parker's fault, i'm just saying that when you become a mom there is a big shift in priorities, ya know?  things get left undone because your family needs you & you have to decide what can wait until tomorrow.  and i just have one kid.

and we want how many more?

depends on who you ask.  sam would say one more... done.  i would say one more... then we're probably done.  i'm excited & scared at the thought of having another, but mostly excited.  we can't wait for parker to have a sibling.  and two seems like such a perfect little round number.  you can still drive around a five passenger car, you can easily tote around a double stroller, you have one hand for each kid & a kid for each parent.

but then i think, what if they don't end up being close?  will my kids be deprived of that big family that i always loved growing up in?  but maybe cousins will provide same thing.  maybe.  because parker has a LOT of cousins.  like 19.  but we don't live very close to any of them so uh, maybe not.

and that's my internal debate.  i think that after baby number two gets here we'll know.  we'll either know that we're done or we'll feel like there's more babies to be made.

but i wanna hear your thoughts.  anyone out there always think they'd have a big family & then decide later it wasn't for them?  or are you one of those amazing women who take motherhood in stride & can't wait til your mini-van is full?

...or are you like me & you're just taking it one baby at a time?  because at this rate, if they keep turning out like parker we may have our very own football team someday.  only time will tell.

i'd love a couple votes.  that'd be pretty sweet.

on being second.

this kid lives to hang out with his dad.  all that time spent with me during the day? he's just passing the time until dad gets home.

ok, maybe that's an exaggeration.  but seriously, this little boy has the word "daddy" on repeat.  all.  day.  long.  first thing in the morning after his diaper's changed & we leave his room to get breakfast, parker cranes his neck to look in our bedroom to see if sam's in there.  "daddy?"  when he sees that our room is empty, his little smile quickly fades & a look of disappointment takes over.

yeah, sorry parker.  you're stuck with me today.  the one who makes your breakfasts & lunches, changes your diapers, takes you for runs, takes you on play dates, & reads you endless stories all day long, every weekday.

how disappointing.

but it's ok.  i'm pretty sure i'm ok being chosen second when sam's around.  it's kinda fun for them to have "their thing".  because sam misses out on so much when he's away all day at work, i like that parker makes up for it when he's at home.  and maybe parker knows sam doesn't get to experience warm post-nap baby cheeks every day like i do {they are THE best!}.  he doesn't get to have long jibberish-filled conversations in the car every day on the way to stroller strides either. so even though i'm an afterthought once dad comes home, it's ok because we've already had our time.

so maybe i'm not actually second place after all... maybe parker just knows how to share the love evenly?  yeah, that's it.  at least, that's what i'm gonna tell myself the next time parker chooses to watch sam mow the lawn through the window over cuddletime on the couch with me.  seems easier that way.

and did you know that voting for us is super super easy?  two clicks, that's it.

another thing i swore i wouldn't do... done.

you know those parents who think every little thing their kid does is super cute?  and you know how you swore you wouldn't be one of those annoying parents?  yeah ummmm... oops.  i'm guilty.  and i totally didn't think that would be me.  but seriously?  this kid kills me.

i caught him reading a book yesterday.  he was flipping through the pages, saying the words in parker-talk, pointing to the pictures, & acting surprised with every single new page.

{this is when the book got really good.}

and he's so advanced he can read upside down.  no big deal.

when sam comes home & asks what we did today, i feel kinda weird saying, "well... i watched parker read a book for about fifteen minutes.  that was cool."  but no, seriously.  that was cool, right?

{linking up with sweet shot tuesday & the happiness project.  check 'em out.}

how about a vote for a reading baby?  

steppin' out {sunday} - mother's day edition

happy mother's day ladies!!

i hope everyone has been having a wonderful weekend & enjoying their moms, their motherhood, or their baby's mamas.  i definitely have.  i'm kind of feeling like this is my first real mother's day.  last year parker was like a week or two old & motherhood hadn't quite sunk in.  i felt more like a caretaker than a mother.  now?  i'm legit.  i'm totally & completely entrenched into being someone's mom & i love it.  and i'm loving today.

sam asked me what i wanted for mother's day & i only had a few requests... six to be exact.  to sleep in, an amazing dinner made by him, my favorite dessert, a family after-dinner walk, & a pedicure.  we're five for six.  it's pouring outside & it's not looking like the walk is gonna happen.  boooooo to you seattle.

i got a pedicure yesterday afternoon & it was glorious.  it was only the second one i've had since parker's been alive & i was going through serious pedi withdrawals.  i enjoyed every second of it.

this morning i woke up at 8:30 to the sound of parker & sam playing in the living room.  nothin better than that.  we just finished a freaking delicious meal made by sam of bbq steak, oven-fries, & strawberry-spinach salad.  crazy-good.  i'm saving a big bowl of cookies n' cream ice cream w/ crunched up oreos for dessert until after parker goes to bed, & i'm calling this the best mother's day ever.  EVER.  

and this is what we looked like when we went to church today.  it was even sunny for a few minutes so we could take pictures.  thank you mother's day gods.

{linking up with harper's happenings for steppin' out saturday & really are you serious for mommy & me monday.  you should too.}

and now i want to thank my own mom for being amazing & awesome & for bringing me up right & for always being an amazing example of motherhood to me & being a wonderful grandma to my baby.  and thank you to my mother-in-law for raising me a handsome husband & father to my son.  i have so much love for these two amazing women.  thanks for being awesome.

& i have all kinds of love for all of y'all who click twice to vote for our little blog.