Wednesday, February 19, 2014

marriage // how time + kids changes things.

i'm gonna preface this by saying i have a good marriage.  i married my best friend who turned into the most amazing father to our two boys that i could have ever imagined.  i'm lucky.  you don't know what kind of dad your husband will be until you're both elbow deep in diapers & spit up but you hope you have a pretty good idea based on conversations about kids & how he acts around kids while dating.  well, i hit the jackpot with sam.

all that being said, every marriage takes work.  lots of it.  and clearly not all marriages work for one reason or another.  i could spend all my time blogging about how great my marriage is but i'd be lying if i said we didn't have our moments where it was really, really hard & we both had to take a step back, refocus & remind ourselves that we have the same end goal & make sure we are on the same page.

the other day something hit me.  i had been unfair to sam.  i'm not quite sure when it happened exactly but i realized sometime in the last three years & ten months since parker has been around i had been viewing him differently.  at some point he had gone from being my absolute best friend & the love of my life to someone who could make my life easier.  on many days, i no longer longed for him to come home from work so that we could play & be together & go on adventures but rather get home already so i can throw a kid in his arms & finally get a thing or two done around the house, make some phone calls or jump in the shower.  he was my break, not my good time.  

this post is coming as a result of a little info-graphic i saw floating around facebook a while back {i can't find it now, ugh!} that talked about how married couples who have less than five positive interactions to every one negative interaction are statistically bound to end in divorce.  whoa.  that's crazy, right!?  but i believe it.  people can only take so much.

and every now & then something hits me like a ton of bricks & reminds me that my life isn't as invincible as i thought it was.  my marriage isn't immune to growing apart, we aren't callused to indifference & our friendship can't always be based on who we were when we were first married.  we have to work on these things.  we have to continue to date each other, listen to each other, be happy for each other & find things to do together.  we have to have fun together.  not just work together!  i don't want to live with a co-worker.

so, yeah.  eight years of marriage & i'm still learning.  but i'm glad i am!  i'm glad sam & i are both committed to making sure our marriage stays strong.  it's grown from butterflies & twitterpation to partnership & stability.  it's worn in & comfortable.  it's not always easy but fifty years from now, it'll still be worth it.

then... we were just babies! {circa 2005}


and now... us + what we've created together :)


23 comments:

  1. This post is awesome, love it!! This is the best reminder, I can totally relate. My daughter is 19 months & our marriage has certainly changed ... It's easy to make her the priority. ;)

    wordsaboutwaverly.blogspot.com

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    1. it really is! and then you're so worn out from taking care of kids all day, your relationship with your husband can easily take a back seat.

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  2. I love this so much and coming up on our 6th year of marriage with a 2 1/2 year old at home, I can totally relate! Thank you for being so honest! p.s. you have a beautiful family :)

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    1. thank you!! and yeah, in talking to friends it seems like this is more common than we might think. wow, surprising! it's not all chocolate covered strawberries & beds covered in flower petals in our homes these days ;)

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  3. Great post and glad to see you back spending time with your blog - we've missed you. I know it's hard to prioritize this, but just wanted to let you know that we still appreciate seeing you here!

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    1. wow, thank you! i really really missed blogging... it feels so good to write & be creative again, just for FUN.

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  4. What an awesome post. So true! I've been thinking about this lately. I have a 3 1/2 month old and realizing that my husband needs just as much attention as the baby! :)

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    1. haha, they really do! it's easy to put that relationship on the back burner & so hard to make time for just the two of you.

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    1. thanks Lindsi... I hope it made sense! haha.

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  6. Love this post! What a great reminder for all of us old hags! ;)

    PS - SO glad you are back & posting regularly! Missed you.

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    1. HA! I literally laughed out loud to "old hags." Oh man, is that really what we are?? and thanks. xo.

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  7. This really hit home. It's way more true than I'd like to admit! Ouch. But a good reminder that no, our marriage isn't invincible. I like the infographic idea. I had never heard that but it doesn't surprise me!

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    1. i know! that 5:1 ratio really makes it tangible, doesn't it? makes me want to make an effort to be a little less sarcastic & encourage those positive interactions :)

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  8. Great post! And all so true. We're 8 1/2 years in and it still takes work. Days are hard and days are easy. I marvel at all we've done & created. It's easy to get caught up in other things, even our kids. We've been making it a point to go out and be just us, no kids.

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    1. exactly! we're planning a sam & amy only vacation for the summer... CANNOT WAIT. haha! :)

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  9. I honestly think I could have written this myself. My husband and I were the ones everyone was jealous of. To some extent we still are. But having 2 children in 4 years adds a level of difficulty to your relationship that you never ever knew could exist. I think it happens to the best of the best. I think it happens slowly and over time and you don't realize it until you are questioning how you got there. We never had to work at anything before kids - this is all new to us. Even with our first child, we still had it good. Once the 2nd came along, it seemed like things got really hard from there. Now it does take work. We have good days and bad days. I think you are dead on by saying you have to both see the end goal and be on the same page. It does get easier as you get accustomed to 2 kids - but there are always going to be days where it is still a challenge and work for sure. Great great post.

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  10. what a great post! i'm embarrassed to say that this really hits home for me. i feel since our second has come along that i have become so negative and the hubs probably thinks i'm sort of raging b*#@h. it's so hard to stay positive when i feel i'm trying to keep my head above water daily with two boys that are 18 months apart under the age of 3 with the oldest having a speech delay. i know i love my husband, i know he loves me. i know that we have one end goal to be happy, healthy and committed (that's three, huh? ;0)), but most days are hard. lately, i've really been trying to make him as big of a priority as our boys since he deserves it just as much as they do. it's so hard to make them a priority you once did when you are SO exhausted by the days end. thank you for this great post and i'm SO SO glad you are blogging again. you are one of my FAVORITE blogs and i love watching how your blog and photography have evolved recently :)

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  11. Great post Amy. And one I could have written!
    And how funny we really almost have identical little life timelines... we were married in 2005 also.. baby in 2010 and 2012!! Now #3 due in 2014! So I am in step with you when you say you've fallen into making your man a relief guy rather than your absolute favourite release! :) I'm going to make an effort here too xx

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  12. I love this post! My marriage, honestly, really needs work.

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  13. Thank you for such an honest and hopeful post! We have a one year old, a two year old, and a house that needs a lot of work. We definitely seem to be in survival mode. My next step after this blog post? Schedule some adventure time with my husband. Sometimes I remember that my kids will grow up and start new lives, but Ben and i will still be here. We need something to go on! Thanks for your insight, I love reading your blog!

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  14. LOVE this post. So true. so so so true.

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