how two has been different than one.

can i be honest right now?  two kids are harder than one.  i know, shocking right?  i swear my kids tag team who is gonna wake up around six & who gets to sleep in past eight.  never fails... you'd think by chance they would maybe both sleep in past eight, but no.  there's always one up bright & early.  my attention is always divided throughout the day & sometimes i have to weigh which crying child needs me worse at that exact moment.  when i'm playing with elliot i'm sure to include parker & if i don't?  he's hanging off my back or off somewhere else, feeling left out.  if i'm playing one on one with parker then i feel bad for not engaging elliot.  two kids equals twice the "mom guilt" too.

i feel like at six-ish months with parker i had it all together.  i feel like i knew who he was & we had established our roles as baby & mom.  his personality was defined & we were checking milestones off left & right.

with elliot it's been different.  the weirdest part for me has been getting to know his own little individual personality.  he is a different baby than parker was & i feel like getting to know him has taken me longer this time around.  with parker it was all me & him, all the time.  elliot has had to go with the flow from day one, spending much of his time on my hip as we chase around parker or run our daily errands.  i feel like at almost seven months, i don't know him like i knew parker at that age.

now don't get me wrong, i have most certainly "bonded" with my baby.  this isn't a post about stress, post-partum depression or anxiety.  it's just that it has recently hit me that raising baby number two is "different" & i'm trying to put my finger on it.  and i think a big part of it is just that this time around i'm sharing my baby with another baby, rather than getting him all to myself.

there are definitely moments where i do "see" elliot for who he is.  and more often than not they are moments while nursing or getting him dressed or playing with him alone while parker naps or is off somewhere with sam.  they are the times where i get to just sit with him, uninterrupted & love on him with my whole self.  they are the times where he looks up at me like i am everything to him & he coos & smiles & giggles & makes my heart absolutely melt.  i am so grateful for those moments.

now that he is getting older & is sitting up & interacting much more, i am seeing him & parker's relationship grow like crazy.  parker will most likely be his biggest source of interaction & entertainment rather than me whereas with parker, again, it was all me & him, all the time.  i love watching my boys play together.  i love watching them become friends {actually, the other day out of nowhere parker exclaimed "elliot & i are best friends!" yeah... heart melting material} and i hope to create an environment in my home where both boys feel equally loved & included & grow up knowing there is a place for both of them in my heart.

something that i think will help this is sam & i have vowed to have regular one on one date nights with our boys.  i have absolutely noticed how much parker perks up & gets so SO excited when he gets to go out somewhere with mom or dad by himself.  he talks about a million more words a minute than normal {which is a LOT} and is absolutely the sweetest, happiest little boy in the whole world.  he thinks he is king of the world when he is out on a mommy or daddy date night.

and these nights already mean a lot to elliot too because it is the only time he gets to be the one & only. and i never want him to feel like he's living under parker's shadow.

my hat definitely goes off to moms of more than two kids.  i really, really don't know how you do it.  it obviously works somehow though, just like two is becoming our new normal.  before elliot i just couldn't imagine loving another little boy the way i did parker & it has most definitely happened.  your heart finds a way & before you know it you can't even remember what your life was like with just one.

a week or so in iPhotos & some truths.

per the uge, i miss you, my bloggy friends.  i keep saying i'm gonna get back into a regular post schedule & for some reason it has been so hard!  ugh, i really REALLY miss regular blogging.  you guys, it'll happen eventually... i promise.  life with these two kiddos is starting to feel routine.  we're settling into a daily schedule, elliot is finally starting to take decent day time naps & night time sleep is somewhat improved.

parker, however, has decided naps are for babies & when put in his room for "quiet time" always manages to wake up e.  so daytime free time is rare around here & nights have been used for running the photo biz.  that leaves little time for blogging!  did i mention i miss you, my friends??

elliot is coming up on six months {maybe i should start thinking about his five month post?} and is becoming such a funny little dude.  his giggles, his chunky legs & his giant smile melt me.  parker will be three in just a couple months & every. single. day. i cannot believe what a big kid he is.  he is starting to take a huge interest in letters & counting & can spell his name.  it's crazy!  i love this life with my two little boys.  and i swear in just the last couple weeks parker has taken a huge interest in elliot & everything he does makes elliot laugh.  ugh, it's the cutest!

i've had some pretty sweet photo shoots in the last couple weeks & some pretty cool stuff coming up on the horizon too.  my little business is going in a really fun direction & i am so excited about what this year might bring!

anywho, life with two has its ups & downs.  honestly, it has taken me much, much longer to start coming out of the new-mom fog this time around.  but i feel like we're in a pretty good place right now.  my boys are starting to interact & this whole "siblings" thing is so much fun!  i find myself in disbelief that these two little humans came out of my belly & belong to me.  how does that happen??  well, i mean, i know how that happens, but you know what i mean.  the fact that sam & i have created this little family of four & are now expected to be big grown up responsible adults is just nuts.  we are a legit little family.  it's nuts!!  and so exciting to just all grow up together now.

they exhaust me, they make me laugh & they make me wonder how this is all even possible.  i love my little family.

apparently i only blog on tuesdays?

third weekly tuesday post, folks.  this is becoming a thing?  something about tuesdays makes my babies nap at the same time i guess & thus allows for quick updates.  i don't have the time to make something organized & thought out, so here are some randoms, mmmk?

--> still not getting a heck of a lot of sleep around here.  elliot wakes up 2-3x a night & his sleep becomes restless at about 5:00am & at that point i usually pull him into bed with me to squeak out a couple more hours of laying-in-bed-half-asleep time.  i know more sleep is in the near future, it seems to be getting better each week but it's definitely the one thing that makes my day the hardest.

--> oh wait, the fact that we're in the midst of potty training parker is probably the thing that makes my day the hardest.  we got the genius idea to cold-turkey potty train parker last weekend which means the last four days have been spent with a pantsless toddler running around the house & using the potty every 15 minutes.  we only have 1-2 accidents a day & he totally seems to be getting it... as long as we're home & he's within two steps of the toilet.  i'm afraid to leave my house again ever.  maybe when he's 16.

--> operation "be healthy & get in shape" is in {sorta} full swing.  ya like that?  sorta full swing?  i've been running & going back to stroller strides but since this potty training business has begun, i haven't really left the house.  but i have been cutting down the amount of sweets & junk i'm eating quite a bit... unless you count the two batches of chocolate chip pumpkin cookies i made in the last 3 days, well then, there is that.  but it's all about portion control!  what is the fall without pumpkin cookies?  it's nothing, i tell ya.

--> and now?  let's be real.  i have good days & bad days.  some days i feel like i'm rocking this mom of two thing & like i have it all under control.  other days?  i realize it's been 5 days since i've showered, six days since i've blogged, three days since i've worked out, i remember i have a huge back log of editing work to do for clients, my stretchy pants that i've worn three days in a row smell like spit up, the laundry is piled up & the hampers are overflowing, one kid is nursing & the other is currently peeing on the carpet & i think i'm gonna lose it.  sometimes?  it's just plain hard.  it really really is.  and i have those weak moments where i want to curl up in a corner & cry because i don't think i can do it all.  no wait, it's because i can't do it all.

being a mom is hard, you guys.  and just because i have said that, doesn't make me unhappy or ungrateful.  i wouldn't trade my babies in for a single thing & there isn't a second in my day where i would give any of it up.  but it can be overwhelming & it's so easy to start feeling sorry for yourself.

where am i going with this?  well, i guess sometimes i feel guilty for complaining or not appreciating every tiring moment.  in any given second, something could change.  we've been blessed with healthy babies & i have so much to be grateful for.  so why can't i go about every single day being grateful for each crazy moment?  that's what i feel guilty about.  i have very close friends & family who can't have kids, who have lost babies or who have babies with a chronic illness.

so i keep going.  in the end, i do have nothing to complain about.  i can have my weak moments but i know a day will come where i will wish i hadn't wished these days away.  i will miss the sweet baby smell of elliot's head & long for the days when parker's bare bottom sat on my lap & asked to read "the grouchy ladybug" for the 100 millionth time.  i will wish i had enjoyed it more & had stopped worrying about clean hair, clean laundry, my daily run or frequent blog posts.  but sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that.

so that's where we're at.  trying to appreciate every crazy moment & looking for joy in the everyday.  should be easy right?  i mean, look at this face.

parker lately.

i can't get enough of this little guy lately.  parker is in this stage where i swear it's impossible he could ever get any cuter.  if i could freeze him in this stage of life, i just might.

he is giggly, he is funny, he makes jokes, he plays games, he loves reading stories on his big boy bed, he gets crazy excited over his elmo potty, he is obsessed with thomas trains, he claps his hands and yells "yayyyy!" every time we finish singing a song, he picks out what toys will come along for the ride when we run errands, we have an awesome daily routine & he is just my little buddy.  of course, he has his two year old moments... there are tantrums, there are time outs & i've gotten smacked in the face more times than i can count but even that kinda makes me laugh.  i love seeing him grow up & have real emotions. 

we have conversations.  i remember holding him as a newborn & wondering what talking to this little baby in my arms would be like someday.  the thought blew my mind.  and now, as we drive down the road talking about seeing fireworks at the baseball game, petting horses in san diego or going home to see daddy, it's happening.  he's becoming a little person & i'm the mom to a little kid.

at every stage i can't picture loving him anymore than i do now.  but somehow he just continues to get more & more fun & being a mom becomes more & more rewarding.

i've worried a little bit about how he'll adjust to our new family member.  but lately?  i'm just so excited for him to become a big brother.  i know he'll be great.  he talks all the time about "parker's baby brother" & has even talked about bringing baby brother home.  now that he's in a big boy bed he refers to his crib as "parker's baby brother's bed" & loves to climb in & around his baby brother's carseat.  sometimes i actually worry that this new baby will pick on parker, he is just that sweet.

i like to think we're doing something right with him.  he is my best achievement to date & another advantage to freezing time would be not screwing it up.  i'm not ready to watch him be influenced by kids at school or to see his heart get broken by some cute girl.  he's never stayed out past curfew, he's never taken our car & done donuts in a parking lot, he's never put off homework or lied to me about where he was.  i'm not ready for that.

he gives the best hugs & kisses & holding his hand is one of my favorite pastimes.  i think i'll still make him do those things twenty years from now.  that's not weird, right?  i'm his mom & he'll always be my little boy... no matter how big he gets.

love him so much.

making it up as i go: toddler discipline.

toddlers are awesome & so freaking hard all at once.  parker's been averaging a timeout per day & testing my patience constantly.  but all at the same time he is picking up so many new things, becoming this hilarious mini person & surprising me every second with this strong little emerging personality.

so far timeouts have worked wonders & he gets them frequently for things like fighting against me while i'm trying to get him dressed, fighting me during diaper changes, smacking me in the face when he gets mad & refusing to sit in his high chair to eat.  by the end of his timeout, he's usually relaxed & asking to do whatever it was he was fighting me about to begin with.  so far, parental success.  i'm just trying not to overuse them so they keep their effectiveness & i can keep feeling like i know what i'm doing.

yesterday sam offered parker a bite of his popsicle & parker freaked out when he didn't get the whole thing.  obviously this resulted in thrashing & crying on the floor.  i told parker, "ok, you can cry but it hurts mommy's ears so you need to go in your room & do it.  you can come out when you're done crying."  {thanks for that line, lindsey!}  i walked him back to his room & left the door open a crack & he continued to scream & yell but stayed in his room.  a couple minutes later he walked out & said "all done crying in my room."  i was floored.  because he really was done crying & seemed to understand what had just happened.  who is this guy?

i don't know what i'm doing.  i'm making it up as i go & trying to be consistent all at once.  sometimes i have to turn away & count to ten to keep from throwing myself on the floor & crying & kicking & screaming alongside him.  sometimes i wonder how the heck this sweet little guy can make me so dang frustrated one second & then turn around & melt my heart with his innocence & sincerity the next.

i feel like with every age & stage the polarity between the good times & the bad times gets greater, like he's more challenging than ever but he's also more fun than ever.  does that just continue on forever?  i don't know if my heart can handle that amount of love & stress.

someday we'll be trying to figure out what to do when he stays out past curfew or skips school.  or maybe he'll talk back to a teacher or get caught cheating on an assignment.  but i'm pretty sure he'll still find ways to amaze us & make us more proud than we thought possible.

until then, i'll just enjoy the days of oatmeal in my hair & timeouts.  seems easy enough.

thirty-one weeks. bumpdate!

{compare boy two belly to parker belly here.}

so i was kinda starting to freak out this last week.

i mean, seriously?  there are only nine weeks left.  nine single-digit weeks.  we have such a great routine right now, i get a generous break everyday while parker naps, he can feed himself & put on {and put away!} his shoes, and he can pretty much always communicate what is making him mad when there is a problem.  we're at a really good place & lately it's been a little hard to swallow how much all of that is gonna change in just two short months.  i was in a funk & honestly, feeling a little sorry for myself about how hard life is gonna be for a while.

yesterday i had a reality check.  i have no room to feel anything but completely blessed & grateful.

i was standing at an atm next to a bulletin board filled with want ads & for sale posts.  one post was a lady giving out her number asking for work around your house... cleaning, organizing, whatever, she just needed extra money to make ends meet.  another post caught my eye... a guy who was selling his car so he could buy his wife a special wheelchair since she had MS and her health was deteriorating.

i withdrew money from the atm & walked back to my car & drove home to my warm house filled with my amazing husband & happy little boy.  the whole way there i felt kicks from the healthy baby inside my belly & felt ashamed for feeling sorry for myself.  how could i possibly have room to complain when there are people all around me with real problems & legitimate reasons to feel sorry for themselves?  i felt like a jerk.

so now?  i am trying to look ahead with nothing but gratitude & excitement.  i mean, i'm still nervous to go through labor again {OUCH} but i am ecstatic to get this little boy here & start our lives as a little family of four.  yes, it's gonna be sleepless nights & days without a break all over again but it's gonna be so SO worth it.

on another note, MY BABY SHOWER IS TOMORROW!!  can i just say i have the best best-friends ever?  my girlfriends have put so much work into this shower & have snuck around making all sorts of plans & i am so beyond excited to see what they've been up to.  can't wait to share pictures!

and as for baby boy?  he is moving like crazy.  i swear he's moving more often than not & my belly is rolling all around from his ninja kicks & break dancing maneuvers 24/7.  babycenter.com says this is the peak of baby boy's movement in the belly since room gets tighter here on out, so i'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts.

i love his little activities so much!  just can't wait to see them in person.

how "mommy-hood" has changed my identity.

when i was twenty-eight weeks pregnant with parker i wrote this post about "keeping my identity" & wondering how becoming a mom might change me.  i was all up in my life as a career woman at the time & wondered if i'd get "dumbed down" by a life of diapers & spit up.  i came across that post last week & now, at twenty-eight weeks pregnant with parker's little brother, i want to write a follow-up to all the questions i asked back then... because now i know.

here's the short answer.  i know more about myself now & who i am than i ever did back then.

these last two years of being a {mostly} stay at home mom really have changed me & honestly?  the only thing i miss about that full-time career woman is the bigger paycheck.  but getting to stay home with parker & watch him grow has made up for that in amounts way more priceless than dollars.

ok, that's the cheesy short answer.  here's some other ways i've changed.

i discovered my love for photography & started a business.  i've always been an obsessive picture-taker & always insisted on taking a million pictures of every occasion.  but when parker was just a couple months old i realized i wanted to take this passion to the next level & we purchased my first dslr.  it started with millions of pictures of parker but now i'm on my second camera & have since shot countless families, seniors, kids & a handful of weddings.  if it wasn't for staying home & photography blogs & a cute little model to learn on, i'm not so sure any of this would have ever happened.  i definitely see a long life as a photographer ahead of me & hope this is just the beginning... i think it's something i am good at & something i strive to be better at.

also?  this might not be true for most moms but i feel like i've discovered a lot about my own personal style & fashion sense since becoming a mom.  when i dress up, i dress with more purpose & my home is decorated much more to my liking than it ever has been {although it's always a work in progress!}. pinterest & fashion blogs & lots of trips to target & the mall probably have something to do with this.

when i was pregnant with parker i think i thought all moms were destined to lives of yoga pants & slippers & although this really is what i wear 75% of the time {it's actually quite glorious}, i still find times to dress up & look nice.  i still clean up well.  i still get to curl my hair & wear heels {if i want} to church on sundays or for my one day in the office on thursdays.  this is plenty for me.  it turns out moms wear yoga pants & flip flops or slippers all the time because it is COMFY.  who knew?

when i was pregnant with parker i worried about losing touch with current events.  becoming a mom-in-a-bubble.  this is something i work on.  i watch the news, i read cnn.com & follow all kinds of newsfeeds on facebook.  i think i have a pretty good idea what is going on in the world around me & i enjoy talking about current events with sam every night.  it would be easy to tune all that out & worry only about the number of dirty diapers parker had that day but this is something that's important to me & i hope it always is.

and lastly?  what i didn't know about myself back then is how much i could love another little human being.  i didn't expect that i would honestly feel like i love my kid more than any one in the whole world could possibly love theirs.  i didn't know that watching sam be a dad would make me fall in love with him over & over again everyday & that being a family kicks the crap out of being a married couple.

basically, all my fears i had back in the day were unnecessary.  mommy-hood is what you make of it.  i think it's important to make time for yourself & put yourself first when it's appropriate because no one should ever feel like they've lost their identity.  of course i have my daily struggle with fitting in all the things i have to do versus what i would like to do but that happens with kids or no kids, right?  you just have to figure out your priorities.

turns out being a mom is a pretty good thing to be.  i highly recommend it.

let's just enjoy this moment, shall we?

oh you guys... i'm treading water.  i'm balancing a million things, none of which are bad.  mom duties, photographer duties, church duties, wife duties, part-time worker duties, self-duties, housekeeper duties... you get the idea.  probably because most of you are doing the same thing.  we take on a lot because we know we can & then we feel like {as a good friend of mine put it} you're just one step away from not getting up out of bed in the morning.  it's not depression, it's exhaustion.  and it's a situation i've chosen to be in because there is so. much. i. want. to. do.  sure, a couple extra hours in the day might help... but would it?  because i'm pretty sure i'd find a way to fill that too.

i guess what i'm saying is that i am feeling the need to slow down.  i'm getting tired, i'm feeling pregnant & i'm starting to freak out a little at what's ahead.  two kids.  but then i look at everything i'm juggling & there isn't a single thing i'd choose to take off the table.  so then whattyado?

i've definitely cut back on the blogging... maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't.  i feel like lately it's pregnancy update, week in iPhotos, token post of another subject, rinse, repeat.  and it'll probably continue to be like that as i'm insistent on continuing to document this pregnancy & our lives in the meantime.

but right now?  right at this moment?  i just want to slow down & take a breath.  i want to enjoy some of the good things in my life, some of the quiet moments & some of the things that make life worth living.  this is what it's all about.  this is how my little family spent my third mother's day as a mom.  it was just me & my two guys + the one in my belly, at the park.  it was a gorgeous day, parker was happy & the lighting was perfect for picture taking.  so i took lots.

i love my crazy, exhausting, sometimes-overwhelming life.  i am blessed with so much & am so grateful for all the opportunities that come my way, even if sometimes i think it's gonna kill me.  i'm so grateful for sam & parker & for this little boy we get to meet in less than three months.

and sometimes i just need to step back from it all, look at the big picture, take a deep breath... and remember that.

{ps:  wanna see what our mother's day looked like last year?  click here.  spoiler alert:  i had a much flatter stomach & better hair.  just sayin.}

hey parker... it's your birthday!

but we're postponing further celebrations.  i know, i know... not fun!  

today you're sick, little monster.  i can hear you coughing back in your bed as i type this & it makes my heart hurt to know there's not much more i can do than turn up your humidifier, rub vicks on your feet & hope for the best.

but don't worry... we've already done lots of fun things to celebrate!  we took you to a padres game while we were in san diego & you had so. much. fun.  you clapped & cheered & waved & walked around the whole entire stadium all by yourself.  you were in awe of the lights & the stadium organ & you kept yelling out "baseball!" when you looked at the field.  

an usher thought you were cute & gave you a little plush baseball with the san diego padres "SD" logo on it.  you spent the rest of vacation holding on to that baseball & taking it everywhere you went.  heaven forbid you lose sight of it for five minutes!  

your mom & dad love watching you have fun, parker.  we stayed for fireworks at the end of the game & a week later, you are still talking about them.  "see fireworks!  boom boom boom! baseball!"  

you are such a fun little boy.

and today you are two.  

two years have gone by since we met you face to face.  two years of holding you in my arms & calling you my baby.  you've made me happy beyond anything i ever thought possible & continue to do so everyday.  you're my little boy & even though you get bigger everyday & will someday not fit in my arms or on my lap, you'll always be my little boy.  

and now you get to be a big brother.  i can't wait to see you with your little brother... you're going to have so much fun with him.  you love babies & think it's so funny when they do anything.  i'm so excited for you to meet him!

we love you so much parker & can't imagine our lives without you.  actually, we can't even remember what life was like without you... it must have been so boring!  our lives as a family of three began on this day two years ago & nothing has been the same since.  thank you so much for being such a good little boy & giving us the best two years of our lives.  

happy birthday, little monster.

on having two.

the reality of having two little guys around here pretty soon is really starting to set in.

i am both unbelievably excited... and scared out of my mind.  i have so many fears & anxieties about two kids & i get really emotional thinking about it.  thinking about loving another little boy the way i love parker just seems unreal.  i can't even imagine.

and thinking about sharing my time with another little guy scares me more than i can explain.  i am already worried about missing parker & missing our little everyday lives together.  every monday through friday from 7am to 5pm it's just me & him. we go to stroller strides, we do our errands, we share soft pretzels & we take our naps.  he is my best little buddy.  once baby two comes, those one on one times will become a novelty.  they'll become mommy-son "dates" instead of "our daily routine" & i'm going to miss that.  a lot.

there will be times when both kids need me.  it's going to kill me to not be able to give parker that attention he craves when the baby needs to eat.  there will be times when i actually probably get frustrated with parker's silly antics as i'm trying to quiet a crying newborn.  that already makes me sad.  i wish i could give my whole entire self to him his whole entire life.  i don't ever ever want him to think he comes second but for a while?  he will.  it's not that i'll love him less, it's that i need him to be more independent so that i can take care of a helpless newborn... but how do you explain that to him?

and i haven't even gotten into my own personal life.  besides being a mom, i'm also a wife, a part-time ecologist, a photography-business-runner, a work-out-aholic & a blogger.  but when a baby comes?  all of it gets put on hold.  for how long?  who knows... i feel like now at two years with parker i'm just starting to "attempt to do it all" & can almost pull it off.  life is pretty comfortable.  but part of getting ready for this baby to come in four months is preparing mentally to give all that up for a while.  as a mom, it's what we do.  we put our kids first until we find time somewhere down the road for ourselves.

all this being said, i don't want anyone to read this & come away thinking this baby isn't wanted.  the reality couldn't be any more the opposite.  i seriously can't express how excited i am for this new addition but i would be lying if i pretended there were absolutely no nerves at play here.

but seriously?  i can't wait for august to roll around. i am so excited for our little family of three to become a family of four.  to someday travel with our two boys & to cart them off to t-ball & soccer practices & yell things like "leave your muddy shoes at the door & quit throwing the football in the house!"  you know, the stuff that a mom of two boys would say.  i can't wait.  i know it's going to be amazing & i know it's going to be worth it.  i want this family to grow more than anything & i know in the end it all works out or else no one would do it, right?

i'm already beginning to realize that you don't have to take love away from your first baby to feel love for your second.  as this new baby grows & kicks inside my belly, i already love him so much.  and i know on the day we get to meet him, my heart will surely double in size.  and although i have some fears & am nervous for the sleepless nights ahead, i'm ready.  or at least i'm ready to be in a fog for three to six months until i eventually come out the other side.  it will be worth it.  it all works out.  and parker will make it out a happier little boy because he gets a little brother out of the deal.

so everybody wins... right?

on having another boy.

i'm not gonna lie.  there is no way i could be more excited about having another boy.

before we knew what we were having i got a lot of "are you hoping for a girl?" comments, which i totally understand.  it seems like you should naturally want one of each, right?  it's the all-american family.  i usually gave the honest answer of "i'm gonna be happy either way."  boy or girl, it was gonna be our baby & the newest member of our family & that baby was gonna be what we were supposed to have.  and like most parents, we spent our time praying that we would see a baby with a healthy heartbeat & well developed organs & bones at the ultrasound... gender was an afterthought.

but if i had been answering completely honest?  i kinda secretly hoped for another boy.  i even felt guilty for feeling that way.  i told sam multiple times how bad i felt for wanting another boy.  how worried i was of feeling disappointed at the ultrasound if we didn't see little boy parts.  so the whole way to the ultrasound i gave myself a pep talk about how having a girl would be awesome.  but as soon as that ultrasound started?  i started looking for boy parts & even though i wasn't sure i saw them, i knew it was a boy.

because the weird truth is?  i had already bonded to that baby in my belly as a boy.  back at about ten weeks i had an overwhelming feeling that baby #2 was a boy & i even had a feeling about his name.  over the next few weeks i discounted it as just weird emotions so i gave it little weight in the gender outcome & my predictions.  but that moment has stuck with me & so has the name.

i have no doubt that if this baby had been a girl she would have fit right in & turned our world upside down with her awesomeness.  but i am just so extremely happy that parker is going to have a little brother.

and there is something to be said about brothers.  i can't wait to raise two boys side by side & watch them go through life together.  i can't wait to be the mom of two boys.  i've always felt like there is this special bond between a mom & her son & i never knew just how amazing it was until these last two years.  and now that is going to be magnified x2?  i can't even.

now i will say this.

i'm not completely sure we're done having babies... we'll just have to make that call a year or two down the road.  and for baby number three?  i would TRULY, honestly, 100%, completely love a boy OR a girl.  in fact maybe i'd hope for a girl for number three.  i do hope to someday experience buying little cardigans & dresses & sweaters & own something in my house that is the color pink.  two protective big brothers & a cute little sister sounds absolutely perfect.

but for now i can't wait for little brother to get here.  i can't wait to see what he looks like & how he's going to be his own person.  i can't wait to see parker's reaction to him & how they interact as two little boys.  i can't wait for them to get into mischief together & for them to form their own personalities.  i can't wait for the epic wrestle matches that will occur in our living room with their dad & to watch him with his two little boys.

at this moment?  i just couldn't be happier.

twenty-two weeks. bump.

{compare kid two belly to parker belly here.}

duuudes.

i'm not sure why it's taken twenty-two weeks but it's really hitting me that i'm pregnant.  i feel pregnant.  i feel this little boy moving in there all the time & it makes me so crazy happy.  i walk into a room & strangers look at me & i'm about 75% sure they can tell i'm pregnant, not just eating too many peanut butter twix {which maybe i still am}.

every now & then i think about how we're having another boy & i get so excited.  i get so excited about being the mom of two little boys.  and, i've spent a lot of time this week wondering if he'll look like parker or if he'll be completely different.  will he be another bald baby?  will he have my dark eyes like parker or blue eyes like sam?  it's so fun to wonder & i've done a lot of that this week.

i spend a lot of time thinking about baby boy names too.  yes, i have a favorite.  no, i probably won't be talking about it here.  sam & i reserve the right to change our minds up to the last second & honestly?  sam's opinion is pretty much the only one i care about... no offense friends.  i will say we're having a hard time coming up with something we love as much as the name "parker."  but i also realize it's unfair to attempt to come up with something as good since we're so biased due to this hilarious little kid we have in our lives who makes the name so awesome.  does that make sense?  obviously we're not gonna just automatically love a new name as much as the name "parker" because well, we know parker.  all these other names are just names.  so i have to keep that in mind.

i'm still feeling pretty good.  although, after sitting for long periods of time {ie: internetting & blogging}, i do feel a little stiff & sore when i get up.  but i'm not having any problems running & working out... getting up early & getting there on time?  another story.  i'm a lazy morning girl.  but that has nothing to do with pregnancy.

some other things i really need to sit down & write about?

how scared i am of having two kids.  how i'm already anticipating missing having parker as my one & only & how i'm so scared of feeling like i have even less time to do all the things i would like to do in a day.  i promise these posts are coming... but this will have to do for now.  i'm trying to be in bed by midnight every night & if i get on those topics?  we're talking hours later.

bright side?

it's friday & it's the freakin weekend.  have a good one peeps.  {<-- hehe, easter pun!}

fish hatcheries & growing pains.

oh toddlerhood.

we took parker to a fish hatchery this weekend while down in vancouver visiting sam's sister.  it was so fun watching parker experience everything from the fish to the ducks to the flowers to the rocks to the dirt.  he was completely enthralled by it all.  and he really loves his auntie.

parker is in this stage of extremes.  he can be so completely sweet & hilarious one minute & so mind-puzzling & frustrating the next.  one minute i am in awe of this little person i took part in creating & then the next i am pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do with him.

no one ever told me that as a mom you live in constant worry that what you're doing is wrong.  that you're using the wrong parenting techniques, you're feeding him the wrong diet, you're putting him down for naps/bed the wrong way or you're letting him play with the wrong toys.

as i'm starting to see him make real choices on his own & deciding how to react in certain situations, i'm always second guessing myself.  what did i do that made him not want to share with that other kid?  what can i do that will make him want to hold my hand when crossing a street?  how the heck am i supposed to react when he throws his food off his tray after eating?  ignore it?  reprimand him?  timeout?

i thought for sure as a parent i was gonna do everything right.  that other kids misbehaved because their parents did something wrong & i wouldn't have that problem.  as long as i teach my kid with love, he'll always do the right thing.

how is it just starting to settle in that my kid has his own personality & i can't mold him into exactly what i want him to be?  while parker's personality is very sweet, loving, easy-going, affectionate & fun, he also knows how to push buttons, attempt to get his own way & throw extreme fits.

he is such a fun little guy & i realize now that i'm not here to make him into what i want him to be.  i'm here to teach him what is right & wrong & hope he makes good decisions on his own.  and i'm just starting to see him make those decisions & it's kinda scary.  even if today it is little things like how he reacts to a kid taking a toy from him or how he responds to me asking him to hold my hand when crossing the street.

he already has a mind of his own, & that?  is kinda terrifying.

no seriously, it just gets better & better.

i kinda feel like people with kids like to scare new parents.  like, they're super quick to point out all the negatives instead of telling you the awesome parts.

at six months it was, "oh, he's starting to crawl?  you're in for it now!"  and looking back it turns out crawling was awesome.  it was so much fun to watch parker gain the beginnings of his independence & explore his surroundings.  it was the start of "crawling adventures" together & watching him transform from a baby blob to a little person with curiosity & personality.

when it took him a while to walk on his own & we would voice frustration people would say, "be careful what you wish for... once they start going they'll never stop!"  dude, walking is the coolest.  no more muddy knees at the playground & what?  i need to get something out of my purse & i have to put you down?  no big deal, just hang out there standing on your own.

now that we're staring toddlerhood in the face we get it all.  "oooh, the terrible twos!"  but you know what?  i think toddlerhood is rad.  i am loving toddlerhood.  yes there are tantrums, yes he voices frustration now & then & occasionally he {gasp!} does things i tell him not to.  but the flip side?  so much fun.  there is nothing quite like watching your kid pick up on something new.  parker is really into naming all his body parts & will give you the run down from nose to ears to eyes to arm to teeth at any given second.  he gets so proud of himself & that's pretty much the best thing ever.

this morning parker stood up on a chair in the kitchen & helped us cook for the first time.  turns out, that's the kinda stuff you have kids for.  kids are awesome, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  there are challenges & some days might even suck but there is nothing like having the love of a child & watching them grow... even when they're screaming at you & hitting you for changing their diaper {yes, this happens around here} i wouldn't change a thing about my job as a mom for the world.

and it just keeps getting better & better.

wordless{ish} wednesday: thankful.

well, ya knew it was coming.  a thankful post.  i would be totally lame & ungrateful if i didn't touch on some of the amazing things in my life, so here it is.

i am so in love with this time of year.  and i don't know what it is but for some reason this year's holiday season feels particularly special.  maybe it's because parker is actually more aware of christmas tree lights & santa & i'm super anxious to watch his reaction christmas morning now that he actually gets excited over new toys.  and now he actually dances with me in the living room when i blast christmas music rather than sit in his bouncer watching me like a crazy person {i know right?  why would he look at me like that?} like he did last year.  to get to show these things to a little guy for the first{ish} time is pretty exciting.

and?  i'm just happy.  i'm in a good place.  i don't want anyone to think my life is perfect, that i don't have things i wish were different or that my life is all rainbows & puppies because it's not.  i just don't choose to regularly dwell on the bad things.  because i have too much to be thankful for.  i have an amazing husband who loves our little boy more than words can describe.  i have a healthy, happy little boy who surprises me every day with how much i feel love for him.  i never knew i would feel physical pit-in-the-bottom-of-my-stomach love for this little guy.  and that nearly every day, i would stop & have to choke back tears because of how amazing he is.  seriously, that happens.  i'm totally nerdy that way.

and lastly, i am grateful for all the things i've figured out about myself in this last year.  turns out i like crafts, i can sew {new development this year} & photography has become my main creative outlet.  capturing the emotions of kids & couples & families & then making it into a piece of art for them to have forever is exhilarating to me.  for reals.  i always feel this crazy "high" coming home from a shoot when i know i've gotten some good shots & totally brought my a-game.  it makes me happy.

so there it is.

we are heading out of town for the holiday so i'm not sure when i'll be posting over the weekend.  i'm not really sure when week in iphotos will be up either... i'm not gonna stress about it.  i'm gonna wear stretchy pants, eat lots of turkey & shop at crowded stores.  i'm gonna attempt to have my family's picture taken, watch parker play with babies & visit with friends & family.  i might return ten pounds heavier than when we left but that's ok... it's what new year's resolutions are for.  and who wants to look skinny in family pictures, anyways?

i hope you all have a great holiday spending time with the ones you love.  be grateful for everything you have, even if at times it doesn't feel like much.  you can always find something to be grateful for.

{linking up with wordless wednesday at and then she {snapped},  baby baby lemon, the paper mama, & a little king & i}

is this the part where i get emotional?

when parker turned one?  i took it like a champ.

i was so excited for what my baby was becoming that i never had any of those "holy crap where did that first year go?  where is my baby?" emotional meltdowns.  i embraced my emerging toddler & waved bu-BYE to those itty bitty baby days.

but today?  the day where parker turned eighteen months & one day?  it hit me.  he is growing up & there is nothing i can do to make it slow down.  he's now closer to a two year old than a one year old & pretty soon i won't be tracking his age in months.  the years will fly by.  he'll stop blowing me kisses & squeezing my legs for hugs & soon enough, he'll be walking out my door to college.  he won't fit in my lap for stories or stand at my feet with his arms in the air saying "up! up!"  i'll probably feel weird tickling under his chin to make him giggle & he'll lose interest in matchbox cars.

these days are numbered.

why is this hitting me now?  because i think i'm realizing just how fast time can fly when you're having fun.  these last six months since parker's birthday have seriously been a blink in time.

right now?  parker isn't malicious.  he doesn't know how to intentionally hurt anyone & he doesn't know anyone is capable of intentionally hurting him.  he doesn't know what this world has in store for him & all he knows is his mommy & his daddy & how he loves his blanket.  how he loves stories & puppies & throwing sawdust in the air.  he starts his mornings with a small dose of elmo & loves to point at my nose & my ears & my eyes while i sing to him before bed.  right now?  he is perfect.

we don't fight, he's never called me a mean name & he's never talked poorly of anyone.  those things will change.  i won't be able to lift him up anymore & he'll go places without me knowing where he is.  and the kicker?  is that parker will spend the vast majority of his life not even living under our roof.

someday i'll have to let him go.

this guy.

{linking up with the paper mama's photo challenge:  "face."  because?  this face kills me.}

oh man.

i started this post off in my head with the intention to rant a little.  but as i sit down here at the computer in my quiet house in my quiet little office while everybody else sleeps, i just can't do it.  i can't complain about this guy & his chubby little face.  so i won't.

but what i will say?  is oh my gosh you guys, he's changing.  not like cracking voice, oily-skin-acne-face changes... oh no, thank heavens not yet.  not for like twenty more years i don't think.  he is however changing into a little boy.  he is getting so much more strong willed & independent & with this new found independence comes a new found determination to do things his way.  or maybe it's just a newfound determination to do things.

and just because sometimes it's not exactly what i would love for him to be doing doesn't make it any less amazing.  yes, it's taking so much more energy out of me to chase after him & try to keep him entertained with what he should be doing & yes we do have the occasional showdown over wether or not he is going to pick up some of the food he threw on the floor at lunch, but know what else he does?  a lot.  like, he actually tells me he wants to eat.  he doesn't just sign "eat," he walks into the kitchen, pulls his bib off the hook where it hangs, walks over to his high chair, holds his bib up to his chin & says "eeeeaaat!"

so what if half that food ends up on the floor, splattered across the cupboards, or smeared across the curtains right?

and who cares if the kitchen floor is hardly ever walkable because it's constantly covered in canned foods & cake mixes from the lower cupboards?  parker can't help it if those things make perfect stacking blocks & are super fun to line up around the edges of the kitchen rug while i cook, ya know?

i guess he's just doing what any curious eighteen month old should be doing & i guess i'm just reacting like most every other mom... going crazy learning to be patient.  because really, at the end of the day it's all pretty amazing.  sure, sometimes i get my hair pulled, my face scratched, or my shoulders bit from an angry kid who would rather stay on the floor playing with cars than get picked up to have his messy diaper changed, but i also get random hugs, kisses & snuggles too.  so i guess it evens out?  yeah, it does.

actually no, it's not even.  it's way better than even.  i had no idea being a parent would be this awesome.  i had no idea that watching parker learn things & laugh & have fun & grow & explore would bring me such a crazy amount of happiness.  like actual, physical, i-can-feel-it-in-my-gut happiness.  because that happens daily.

so the moral of the story?  after all the food throwing, hair pulling, face scratching, & mess making is said & done, i would still have it no other way.  my kid is growing & developing & loves me despite the screams for "daddyyy!!!" through diaper changes.

for that?  i'm grateful.

always grateful for votes. but you knew that.