Thursday, May 5, 2011

why i hope you never hear me complain about my kid.

a lot of you may remember the tragic death of my niece back in march.  i posted a little bit about what happened, a few details about our trip, & a couple posts about how we were coping.  but i don't feel like i adequately wrapped up just how much the loss of samantha has truly changed my life.

i always knew i wanted kids & i figured when the time was right it would be easy to get them.  after all, it was relatively easy for all three of my sisters to get pregnant.  so, after sam & i got married & had a couple years to ourselves we decided it was time to start our family.  after two years & many visits to many different doctors, including a reproductive specialist, it finally happened.  i was pregnant (with no help from the reproductive specialist).  it was a total miracle.  i swore to myself i would be the happiest pregnant girl ever.  it took us two years to get pregnant & i was just so grateful it had finally happened.  so i vowed to not complain.

well that didn't last.  have you ever met a pregnant girl that didn't complain?  me either.  there were all sorts of aches & pains & parts of pregnancy that i didn't love.  but i still tried to enjoy every single second, because i was just so grateful to be pregnant.

and then parker was born.  he was perfect.  but i was a zombie who didn't function well on 2-3 hour blocks of sleep & felt trapped in my own house at times.  that was hard.  after a couple months he slept more & he became more & more fun but i was still adjusting.  sometimes i would lose site of what a miracle i was holding & feel sorry for myself.  i would try to remember back to the spontaneous freedom that my pre-baby life allowed.

these thoughts scare me, because?  a life without parker is truly my worst most deepest fear.

when we heard the news that two month old samantha had passed away in her sleep {she had rsv & influenza a), we were devastated.  clearly.  we knew we needed to leave immediately to be with our family & show our support.  what i didn't know, was that the funeral would be the hardest thing i have ever experienced emotionally.  ever.

no parent should have to bury their infant child.  no coffin should only be two feet long.  and no cemetery should have to have an entire section dedicated exclusively to babies & children.  but it happens.  and before this, it only happened to other people.  not to my family.  tragic death wasn't something that was a real possibility.  and now it is.

i walked away from sammy's funeral realizing that every single second i have with parker is a gift.  every day that he wakes up & greets me in his crib with a big silly grin is a miracle.  and every single temper tantrum or "hard day" is a day that any mother who has ever experienced loss would beg to have again with their own baby.

i can't take a second with parker for granted.  not a single second.  life is too short for me to waste time complaining.  so i hope i never do.

---

the funeral was heart-wrenching & i cried more in that one day than i have in years.  but while we were waiting to walk into the chapel as a family for the funeral service i handed my phone over to my niece ellie, sammy's big sister.

ellie took these pictures with my phone.  and this is how i would like to remember that day.  my family, together, sharing love & support & even the occasional smile.

{ellie being ellie.}

{jodi. brad. brandi.}
{my father-in-law & kasey. me & jodi. laura's sister & mom.}
{me... ellie's view. korry. sam.}
{my mother-in-law. laura & kasey's neighbor. portrait of sammy done by my mom.}

i never got to hold sammy before she passed.  i never got to hear her cry or smell her sweet baby smells or touch her soft baby skin.  but she has made an impact on my life that will be with me forever.

and i can't wait to thank her for that someday.

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37 comments:

  1. That was a very heart renching post to read... But a great reminder that even our worst days with our kids aren't as bad as it would be if we would loose them. So sorry for your loss, but thank you for this amazing post. Very well written!

    Xo, Supermom Alysha

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  2. Wow. That was very emotional. I cried just reading that. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. My heart goes out to you and your family. No one should ever have to experience that kind of loss. I am glad that you wrote this. It was very well written. [[hugs]]

    Danni

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  3. I am crying right now reading this. And I agree with everything you said.

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  4. I never realized that they had an entire section for babies in the graveyard, either until I lost Liam. It's weird the things that you remember & things that stick out in your mind like that.

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  5. I'm holding my 3 week old baby girl as I read this. We just got over a very tough night where I felt like screaming from the lack of sleep. Thank you for sharing this story. It made me realize that I shouldn't take these moments for granted and while, it gets tough, I wouldn't want it any other way.

    I'm so sorry for you and your family.

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  6. as I read through this with tear-filled eyes, I am thankful for the reminder of how precious every second of every day is! I am so sorry for your family's loss! these pictures tell such a beautiful, yet tragic story. thank you for sharing this with us! xo

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  7. Such a wonderful post, Amy. It brought me to tears and the reality of our short lives together. We live so much of our lives not remembering that it won't last, and you're right, we never think it will happen to us. I can only imagine how painful it is to lose your child, but the thought nearly puts me into a panic (when I start to worry or something happens to be a close-call while driving with Taylen for instance).

    Just yesterday my hometown community was haunted by a suicide. It hurts my heart when babies die in their sleep, or husbands and wives experience two miscarriages in a row. Lives are shattered in an instant, yet others throw the gift away because they don't understand how precious it is.

    For what it's worth, I love you and I love your sweet niece, thank you for driving this into our hearts. Your family is so beautiful and strong.

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  8. I have no doubt it was a "God thing" that you posted this today...While I was saying my morning prayers today I was going through my list of people, and when I got to the part where I pray about all the bloggers I follow I said (something to the effect of), "And I pray for Amy's BIL and SIL who lost their daughter a few months ago. I wonder how their doing God? I hope they are "okay". I pray for peace for their hearts. I can't even imagine God..." and then I wanted to e-mail you and ask you about everyone was doing, but I didn't know how to approach it. Your words in this post were beautiful. How could what happened not change you? Not make you want to be a better parent? etc. Your families tragedy makes me want to be a better parent and I don't even know you all. Thank you for sharing Samantha's story.

    Love and prayers to your family!

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  9. I'm so sorry that happened. Every time I hear about a baby/toddler/child dying, I cry like it was my own. There's something just so wrong about it and I don't know how people have the strength to get through it. You have a very strong family.

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  10. wow! i made it through almost to the end with no tears until i saw that portrait that your mom did and thought about what must have been going through her big sissy's mind as she snapped that picture with your phone. then, of course, i lost it.

    what an incredibly hard day that must have been. both my sister and i have six children each and it really makes me grateful that all of our children are healthy. i hope to never have to experience anything as painful as the loss of a child. it truly makes even spilled milk and muddy footprints something to be cherished.

    god bless you and your family. and not to get too personal (and hopefully not inappropriate), but do you think she will be able to recover enough to have more children?

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  11. Wow! So emotional and heart wrenching. So very sad. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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  12. Can't even imagine the pain and suffering. It really does make you appreciate everything that you have!

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  13. Lots of love to you and your family. I don't understand why these things happen and it's heart-wrenching, but I thank you so much for sharing your story and your thoughts. It's important to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment while we have the chance. Thank you for that reminder.

    -Sara

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  14. Beautifully done. Such a hard lesson to learn how fragile life is - we think we are immortal almost, that tomorrow will be like today. Excellent post, Amy. oxox

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  15. what a truly beautiful post and one that definitely left me with tears. You write amazingly and this was a post that really touched me.

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  16. So so sad. I am so sorry for your family's loss.
    No one should have to go through that.
    I love you, Ames! Parker is very lucky to have a mommy like you.

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  17. I think she is happy to know that her short life changed yours.

    Thank you for the reminder to appreciate ever moment with my children, they are too precious. Even without a tragedy the time when they are young goes by so fast.

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  18. amy, i'm straight up sitting here with tears in my eyes. i have never experienced pain like that, and i pray i never will. but i'm so glad that you're able to learn from it, because if we weren't able to learn from things like this, then life would be a very difficult place.

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  19. Oh my goodness...what a touching post. After working at the SIDS Foundation of WA for 2 years I came into contact with grieving families a lot. One thing that touched me every time was how such a tiny person and such a short life can have such a powerful impact on so many people.

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  20. Such a beautiful heart wrenching post. My heart goes out to your family. My daughter had to have open heart surgery and everyday when I look at her scar I remind myself exactly how blessed we are to still have her (and our other two children) alive, happy, and healthy. Life is so very fragile.

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  21. There's nothing better than a child's point of view to bring a little light into a situation no matter how terrible and sad.

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  22. It is always great when you can cherish each moment with your own child, but it is very unfortunate that sometimes a tragedy puts things into perspective like that. I will continue to pray for you and your family. The emotions and pain of your loss are something that I can not even imagine. *hugs*

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  23. Holy tear-inducing post!! What a touching, graceful and beautifully written way to approach a very devastating topic... no one should ever have to experience that. :( So sorry for your family's loss, but also so glad to see that you can find little positives in the situation [[trying to never complain about your child]].... thank you for the subtle reminder on a day that a lot of us probably needed it... :)

    Sarah

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  24. This was so sad, but so heart-warming at the same time. I had a friend of mine and her son pass about a month or so ago...I remember holding my son as much as I could that day. Being completely and totally thankful for each and every fit he threw and tantrum we battled. Things like this are always such reminders of how precious and fragile life really is. Thank you for sharing so honestly. Your family continues to be in our prayers!

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  25. I read this late last night after I had gotten my son to sleep - he was laying beside me as I read this though. It brought tears to my eyes. I had to lean over and kiss my sleeping boy on the forehead afterwards.

    Thanks for the reminder that children are always -always- a blessing & should never be taken for granted.

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  26. If this post doesn't bring tears to everyone's eyes, I don't know what will. Very well written, and a wonderful reminder to enjoy every minute. I truly feel for your entire family for having to experience this. Going now to hug my baby boy for a while!

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  27. I cried while I read this. I'm sorry you and you family had to go through that. My friends little girl passed away at two months (4 years ago). Your post was so true. There is nothing worse then a baby's funeral. It really does make me greatful for every moment with my daughter. You have such a beautiful way of writing. Thank you for sharing this. I will keep and and your family in my prayers.

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  28. boy, this post has ripped me to shreds. I am SO SORRY for your loss. SO VERY SORRY. For some strange reason, I am drawn to stories like yours and weep for you, and your family. I too struggled with IF for 2.5 years, and I guess I am just so thankful for what I have and am absoluetely devestated for others who go through something like this. I am just so sorry you and your family had to go through something so very horrible. We should cherish every second!

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  29. wow. i dont even know what to say but i wanted to leave a comment showing my support. im just sitting here crying with no words. <3

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  30. Heart breaking..!! Thank you for the reminder of how precious life is.

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  31. Thanks for posting this. I hugged Matt and my kids a little tighter today. Shame on me that I need something like this to help me remember what is really important in life. It's amazing that such a tiny two month old can make an impact on so many people.

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  32. Gosh, I am late in reading this post but I just about cried. You are right, no one should have to bury their infant baby. It's heart-wrenching to think about. But you are also right about cherishing life, never taking things for granted because all of our blessings are special and important. I try very hard every single day to appreciate every moment with Bennett.

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  33. oh Amy I am so sorry I remember reading about her passing. I can imagine the impact she had on your life. Sometimes its so sad that things like this have to snap us back to whats real in our lives. That we have healthy happy children with us. Sure they cry and make us crazy but we get to hold them and kiss them. I will make sure to be extra grateful for Ryan in his melt down tomorrow. I love you! Thank you for being so sweet and strong you amaze me

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  34. Thank you for sharing this! My heart goes out to you and the family..her parents. God bless them!

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  35. Oh Amy I have these same thoughts all the time. It's so easy to forget that our babies are truly miracles to be appreciated every minute. They drive me nuts sometimes but the thought of losing them takes my breath away. This is a beautiful post! I'm so sorry for your loss, I can imagine the pain her mama is feeling this Mother's Day. XO

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  36. A post I wasn't happy to read but I am so glad I did. May God be with you and your family.

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